A few weeks back, a follower of mine on a social media site that shall remain unnamed asked me, “What is roti?” I could have answered this question simply by defining the term. According to the almighty Google, “roti” is basically flat and round bread cooked on a griddle. Unfortunately for my follower, the scholar in me was awoken and I was not going to answer this question without providing more unneeded, but absolutely important depth.
The keyword in Google’s definition of roti is round. To the scorn of many mothers and the anguish of countless daughters of South Asian descent, this term has become the epicenter of every girl’s hope for marriage. In Disney movies the damsel in distress faces evil stepmothers, witches, poisoned apples, the curse of sleep (is this really a curse though?), kissing a frog, and being frozen to finally meet her prince charming. Meanwhile in a land far, far away, the damsel in distress in a South Asian household faces only one shape of terror, round. The round roti is the only thing standing between her and finding her knight in shining armor.
Now that we have established the importance of roti, you might be wondering why it’s such a terror. Imagine getting straight A’s while taking the following subjects during a semester: chemistry 101, chemistry with your eyes closed, chemistry in Latin, chemistry while swimming in an ocean, chemistry while in a boxing match with Floyd Mayweather, chemistry while on molly. Now imagine something a hundred times harder to achieve. And keep imagining. Yes, that is exactly how hard it is to make a round roti.
Many have tried to perfect the art of the round roti and while a few have succeeded, many have failed. What is the big deal of failing to make a round roti? Well, based on our damsel in distress’s skill of making a round roti, she will find her prince charming. In other words, it is eHarmony.com for brown people.
Here is the breakdown of what our damsel in distress can expect according to the shape of her roti:
If her roti resembles a square, then she will get married to some guy whose favorite subject is chemistry and favorite element is Boron.
If her roti resembles a triangle, then she’s going to marry someone who is a momma’s boy and irons his underwear.
If her roti looks oval, then she’s more interested in mangoes than men.
If her roti is burnt, then she’s going to marry Sardool Sikandar.
If her roti has holes, then she probably wants to marry Deepika Padukone over any guy.
If she can’t even make a roti, then she’s probably swiped right on every profile and found zero matches on Tinder.
And finally, if her roti is round, then she was voted most likely to steal your man and marry him in her high school yearbook. Basically, she’s going to get her prince and live happily ever after.
In conclusion, roti is far more important than a single sentence definition. It defines our damsel in distress’s happiness. Therefore, never underestimate the struggle, the sweat, and the tears that go into making a round roti. To my South Asian female readers, I only have the following to say to you, practice the art and marry well.
End Notes:
Am I a South Asian girl?
No.
Then how did you gain the knowledge on rotis?
From two sisters and extensive conversations with numerous females and Ajmeri Baba on this subject.
Meeting people with no strings attached. No, I don’t mean the freaky Babbu Mann type one-night stands or friends with benefits. I mean meeting people online. From your best friend to your single forty-something waiting-for-the-best-suitor auntie, everyone is doing it these days. And why shouldn’t they? Whether it’s Shaadi.com, eHarmony, Tinder, or KuriyanWhoCantMakeRotiButEyebrowsAreOnPoint.com, there is a venue for all of us.
Meeting people online might seem like trouble, because more often than not people are too perfect and everything seems too good to be true. However, online dating may just be your ticket to that forever kind of love and three kids that you name Tinku, Rinku, and Minku. If you can navigate through all the creepy guys and drama queens like a Bollywood hero navigates through the hundreds of evil brothers of his heroine, then you too can find true love.
Finding the right person online isn’t easy, but fret not. I’m here to help you. After many seconds of research and a very expensive phone conversation with Ajmeri Baba, I have compiled a list of 5 pointers to help you successfully navigate the path to your online soul mate.
Our first fork in the road is grammar. In the world of online communication, nothing speaks articulate and educated like the usage of accurate grammar. Avoid the people who don’t know the difference between your and you’re. And unless you want to marry someone like this guy, run away from people wHo TYpe lIke Dis. Either they are of an illegal age or are still using AOL Instant Messenger. In the end, they are not worth your precious time.
Next, we reach our second stop on the road, the excessive usage of “lol”. For those just arriving on earth by way of UFO, lol stands for laughing out loud. There is nothing wrong with the usage of lol in online communication. But there comes a point when its usage becomes heavily excessive. For example, you text someone saying, “Work was good. I completed all my reports and even did some extra work.” And you get a text back saying, “lol…nice.” Either the person thinks movies like Devdas are comedies or they don’t care about what you are trying to say. No need to put effort in someone who won’t return the same.
Our third sign of caution is an excessive online footprint. Is your online love interest on every social platform available? Do they consider their Twitter followers as their best friends? Are they sharing personal information like how long they spend in the bathroom after eating four aloo waley parontey? If any of these points are true, then you might be talking to someone who is out of tune with reality. Assuming you are not Joaquin Phoenix, you want your relationship to be real and to actually exist beyond the dimensions of the Internet.
Now we reach our second to last stop, blind trust. I know Bollywood has fed us the notion of blindly trusting people and falling in love at first sight. And while I do believe in the saying that high risk equals high reward, you don’t want to end up on an episode of Catfish. Just take one of my pendu cousins from India for an example. The last time I was in India, my cousin asked me if I could message this one sweet as jalebi kuri from his neighboring pind over Facebook. Why me? He wanted to use my grasp of the English language to impress her. He had created a Facebook profile, using a picture of an Indian model, who is handsome, lives in Germany, and supposedly loves visiting the pind.
While I want all my cousins to find true love, I respectfully declined his request. Therefore, next time you blindly believe the guy who tries to sell you that he is Jatt and doesn’t drink whiskey or that he never lies, or the girl who says she has never had to thread her upper lip, think about my cousin and proceed cautiously before trusting someone. Here is a bonus tip, take advantage of being Desi. Since everyone supposedly knows everyone in the community, your best friend’s pua’s granddaughter’s playmate’s babysitter probably knows the person you are trying to connect with. And if that babysitter vouches for your love interest, then you are golden. Not really, but it might just make a difference.
Our final bridge to cross is the so-called perfect person. Often, interests online seem like they are too good to be true. They know exactly the right thing to say at the right time. They shower you with compliments, are interested in what you have to say, are funny, and ambitious. What more can you want, right? Wrong. Humans are flawed. That’s what makes us real. Take Khabhi Khushi Khabi Ghum for instance, even Bollywood knows that love isn’t perfect. So next time someone likes all the things you do, unlike them or tell them to get real. Because you are not raja beta daddy da and she is not baby doll soneh di.
There it is folks, the Meeting People Online 101 guide to navigating the road of love. If you can follow these few tips, I’m sure you will be well on your way to finding your soul mate. I’m sure Dilip Kumar is probably shaking his head at this generation of love, but what if Devdas had Paro on Whatsapp? He could change his status to say, “Paro, I fucked up. I love you but I was too scared and my dad is kamina number 1.” Maybe Paro would have read his status and started a conversation and maybe, just maybe Devdas could have had a happy ending.
Can you imagine the tears that might have been saved? Well I can. So before you dismiss or give up on online dating, put on your seatbelt, because the road to online love is bumpy but it may just lead your heart to its rightful destination.
If you know me personally or have had the pleasure, or displeasure, to follow me on social media, then there are certain things you know about me. I like to write, I like to hate on the Canucks, I’m a sucker for Priyanka Chopra, I like mango everything, and most of all I have a thing for black saris. Don’t get me wrong, by thing I don’t mean I like to put on a sari on my off days and sing, “Tip tip barsaa paani…paani ne aag lagaayi” like this dude (click here to watch). In other words, I’m not a cross-dresser and you are definitely not ready for that jelly.
I owe my fascination and love for girls who wear saris to two moments that changed my life forever. Hash-tag “its that serious.” Of course the culprit of these moments was Bollywood. I mean lets face it, Bollywood is the naala to my pajama that ties my life together. It always has and it probably always will.
The first moment came when I saw the video to Kishore Kumar’s “Ek Ladki Beegi Bhaagi Si.” Okay, I lied. The first time I watched it girls still had cooties. However, years later when I saw it for the second time I was blown away. Black and white picture, middle of nowhere, broke down car, nighttime, heavy rain, beautiful girl stranded, and she’s wearing a sari. Either this is the perfect setting for a scary movie or something else. Luckily it was something else. In comes our hero, a mechanic who is working super late in the middle of nowhere, to the rescue. Not only does he help fix her car, but he also describes her “wet” condition by singing ek ladki beegi baagi si (click here to watch).
You have to keep in mind that back in the day a sari wasn’t just a bra with a transparent fabric wrapped around to leave nothing to the imagination. What made saris sexy back then is what still makes saris sexy today. It is the light fabric and the way it is wrapped so tightly that makes a sari sexy. Elegantly and seductively conforming to a woman’s body, the sari allows you to see every beautiful curve that God blessed women with. The bare navel and back helps too, but unless you are with the rare desi girl that doesn’t let her self go after marriage, it’s not doing too much for you. Hash-tag “I’m dead.”
The second moment came in the form of Kajol in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. It’s the scene where they are playing charades outside in the evening when all of a sudden it starts raining, and our hero and heroine have no choice but to escape under a gazebo and dance (click here to watch). By the way, Kajol is in a maroon sari that is drenched at this point. Our hero is none other than my boy, Mr. King Khan himself, so you know I was vicariously living through him in that moment. I felt the love between them and Kajol being in a sari just enhanced that feeling. The way the sari was draped, her wet hair, and her bare navel were to die for and I was sprung. Sometimes I wonder if I associate saris with deep love, but then I realize I have other things to wonder about, such as how much more lachi do I need to put in chaa if I’m making it for five more people. Anyway, since witnessing this scene I have not found a dress sexier than a sari.
In both of these scenes the girl wasn’t wearing a black sari, so why the love for black saris? It’s simple. Black is my favorite color. And you know what they say, once you go black you can’t go back. Although, I mean it in a totally different way here. Of course you knew that. No matter if you are white, pink, green, blue, black, yellow, brown, or sona rangiye, a black sari will do you justice.
One thing that both of these scenes have in common, besides saris and the nighttime, is the rain. There is something so positively sexual about saris in the rain. It might be the wet hair, the increased transparency of fabrics, or maybe just my imagination. But a girl in a sari under falling raindrops is everything that’s good about this world. In fact, just check out the video of Tum Hi Ho (click here to watch), you will understand what I’m failing to express. A woman does not get any sexier than Shraddha Kapoor in this video.
It’s that simple ladies. Put on a sari and watch your man want you more than cha and Parle-G biscuits. Of course I know girls, including some of my exes, who hate the rain because ohhh emmm geee it ruins their hair and makeup. This probably explains why they are my exes. Most guys don’t need to know how many acres of jameen your dad has, what your blood type is, or whether you post a picture on Instagram saying, “Day 443, off to the gym. #Gains #GetFit #ImSexy #FollowMe #VegasBody #TeamTwerk.” We just need you to wear a sari and if it happens to rain then be a good sport. I promise your hair will still be there tomorrow, but that rainy, nighttime, beautiful moment with you in sari with your man might not. And you rather sari, not sorry.
If you are anything like me, then you have urges. Unexplained sudden urges that threaten to shatter your current existence. Okay, maybe it’s not that serious, but they do threaten to alter the fabric of my life to a certain extent. Whether it’s the urge to buy new workout shoes that will motivate me into becoming a beast so I can do this with my chest, or the urge to move to another state or country because people over there seem like the type I’m less likely to hate.
The fact is that we all have these urges. Usually they occur when we are dissatisfied with our lives. And the bitter truth is that once we act on these urges we find ourselves in the same place we were before. Unhappy. Miserable. Stressed out. As if our life is being played out to the tune of Emotional Attyachar. Of course there is someone reading this thinking, I don’t know about you but the new boots I got for Christmas make me feel like I run the world. However true that maybe for that person, it usually isn’t a lasting feeling. Soon they will have another urge. And then another urge, but the feeling of being content will forever elude them. Why is this? Well from my experience, it’s because we are looking for happiness in all the wrong places. If you are unhappy with yourself, then no matter how many things you accumulate or how many changes you make in your environment you will never be satisfied.
A new pair of headphones to listen to Jinne Mera Dil Luteya won’t make me happy. Priyanka Chopra confessing that it’s me who has her feeling so exotic won’t make me happy. Living in a flat with a view of the London Eye won’t make me happy. Who am I kidding? Of course all these things will make me extremely happy. But the happiness from these things is temporary like Rebecca Black’s career. Only I can make myself truly happy. I’m not saying I tell myself jokes out loud and then laugh at them endlessly. That would be weird. Plus, only actresses in Zee-TV dramas talk to themselves.
While I would never bet against a limitless supply of mango lassi and Priyanka Chopra, I’ve learned that loving myself is the only thing that will keep me permanently happy. The truth is, when we are unhappy with ourselves we tend to dislike the things and people around us. Yet, most of us rather change the things and people around us, because those are easier to change than ourselves. I used to agree with people when they told me, “You don’t have to change, because the right person will love you for who you are.” But the more I thought about it, the more I disagreed. Why would someone love me if I don’t even love myself? If I’m unhappy with myself, then why should someone else be happy with me?
Whether it’s your career, your love life, your body, or something else. If you are unhappy with your current situation the cause is coming from you. Therefore, the cure can only come from you too. And even though some might call me Ajmeri Roop, I don’t know the particular cause of your unhappy situation, so I can’t tell you your cure no matter how much you pay me. What I do know is that when I find myself unhappy it’s not because I don’t own an iPad to watch Koffee with Karan off of, it’s because something about myself is bothering me. Instead of running towards new things, places, or people, I look within myself to find my happiness. Inside each of us is where our true happiness lies. When you love yourself, the things and people you were once running from start to look beautiful again.
So over the weekend, I was in Vancouver for Nagar Kirtan spending time with my cousins in beautiful British Columbia, well at least that’s what their license plates say. Basically if you are Punjabi, then you have a cousin in Vancouver or Surrey. It’s mini-Punjab. Anyway, I was talking to my cousin and unsurprisingly the conversation found its way to me still being single. It was as if the conversation had a GPS system with a destination automatically set to “Why am I Single?” She told me that she had read my blog post (Why am I Single). And felt that while I had written about YOLO and Bollywood influencing me to find the perfect person, it came across as if I didn’t really believe in the prototypical Bollywood love. Or in actually being able to find that perfect person for myself.
I was surprised to hear her response. Since I had explained I was single because of YOLO and Bollywood, I thought it automatically meant that I believed in love and in finding the right person. But as I thought more about it, I recognized how much truth was in her assessment. I had given an answer for me being single, but I didn’t believe in the quintessential love. So while Bollywood had influenced me to wait for the perfect love, I had not committed to Bollywood or to finding that perfect love.
After further discussion with my cousin I came to a conclusion. I was going to change. Not a dramatic color change like Michael Jackson, but I was going to believe. I was going to believe because just like everything else, at the end of the day all that we have to hang our hats on is hope. If I lose hope in finding the perfect love, then I have already lost half the battle. So you might be thinking, “Well that’s great to hear, but how is believing going to get you your true love?” Don’t worry, because just like a teacher’s little pet, I have an answer ready. I’m going to find my true love by being optimistic and by knowing what I want.
Be optimistic. And by that I don’t mean be delusional. I’m not going to go climb Mt. Everest tomorrow. And I wouldn’t recommend you to quit your day job to go release a music album if your voice is even half as annoying as Amisha Patel’s is. When I say be optimistic, I mean just simply believe. And never give up. If you want something to happen you have to truly believe that it can happen. It is a mental thing. If you don’t believe in love, then how will you recognize it when it is standing there in front of you? When people stop believing that’s when they start settling. No one wants to settle, but no one really wants to believe anymore either. Well I’m telling you to believe. Not because I believe, but because by believing you will give your perfect love a chance. And a chance is sometimes all it takes. Yes that was an “iyeee hiyeee” moment.
The other aspect of being optimistic is never giving up. Don’t give up on finding your perfect love. People sometimes feel that since all their relationships have been awful it means that every future relationship is going to be horrible. But that’s not the case. You might have had three straight bad relationships, but who knows the fourth might be the Simran to your Raj, or the Raj to your Simran (DDLJ reference putt). Also, you can’t just sit on the sofa and expect Priyanka Chopra to come to you and be like, “Oh hey there stud, I’ve been waiting for you all my life so if you like it you should put a ring on it.” You have to be out there, whether that means having your heart open to allow love to enter or doing activities where you meet people. If you have had your heart broken, then you might be afraid to give someone else your heart in fear of it being broken again. This may lead you to keep your heart closed to others, but I can guarantee you that you won’t find your perfect love if you forever close his or her path to you.
Going out to meet people is absolutely necessary, unless you live in the Playboy Mansion. People want to see how you interact with others and whether you are fun to hang out with. Think of it as applying for a job. You won’t get a job at Google by sitting at home doing nothing. You have to apply and let companies know you are out there and that you are valuable. When you are single you have to do the same thing. You have to apply yourself and be out there to show people that you are a great prize. Show them that you are the glass of mango lassi they have been craving for all summer. No one wants to sit with you on your couch and watch re-runs of Kyunki Saas Bhi Khabhi Bahu Thi for the rest of their lives. I mean if you sit at home watching re-runs of that show, then maybe you should just be with yourself because you won’t find anyone else that awesome. But for the rest of us common folk, getting out and “bumping” into people is a must.
The second and equally important factor in finding your perfect love is to know what you want. If you don’t know what you want then how are you going to find it? This factor requires some thought. It is best to write down a list of what you are looking for in your partner, whether it is qualities like nice, caring, and loyal. Or absolute musts like round roti-maker and good light-bulb-action bhangra dancer. Whatever qualities you are looking for in a person just write them down. This way you will know what you want and you won’t settle for less. Having a plan isn’t evil. My friend once said, “you don’t plan to fail, but you fail to plan. Therefore, a plan will help you find what you are looking for, in this case your perfect love.
Writing down qualities of what you want is easy, but attracting someone with those amazing qualities is not that easy, unless you are Ryan Gosling or Adriana Lima. To attract the person with the qualities you are looking for, you have to be the type of person that will attract someone with those qualities. Now I’m not advocating that you change yourself and be someone who you are not, because we all deserve to be loved for who we are. All I’m saying is that if you are a man-whore you likely won’t attract a woman that is classy and smart. Be the person your perfect love will want to be with. Be a better you.
I think Olly Murs’ song, One of These Days (posted at the bottom), is a great way to bring together what I have discussed. He sings, “One of these day I’m gonna find someone to love, one of these days I’ll find you if I don’t give up.” You have to believe that you will find someone to love, and you cannot give up. Someone is out there for you, your perfect love. All you have to do is know what you want and be optimistic. No matter where he or she is. Find your true love. One of these days, I know I will.
The punch of pyar. Have you ever witnessed your relationship go from “tere chehre se nazar nahi hatdi” to “I’m just trying to watch TV, so can we just stare at each other endlessly never.” Whose bad nazar ruined your Bollywood story? Who is to blame? Is it the guy? Is it the girl? Is it Amrish Puri? Or is it just the relationship itself? Well no matter who is to blame, a guy will ask himself one or more of the questions below if not all of them. But first, watch the video below where the male protagonist, who has been bottled up with thoughts on his six-month relationship, explodes like Punjabi men off their seats at a reception when the liquor bar opens.
Did you feel his pain? I know guys reading this can relate to at least some of the points he makes in the video. And I know some females who are exactly like he points out are thinking, “OMG…this is dumb…it is so not true.” Well fret not. I have taken 7 yes or no questions from this video and I will discuss them each individually. At the end of each question I will reach my verdict of a yes or no answer. Got it? Lets get the party started. Bruaaaaa.
1. Is not having a problem in your life your girlfriend’s biggest problem?
If you ever ask a girl what her biggest problems are her answer might sound something like this. There is no good man out there. Guys sit on their ass while I have to do all the housework. I hate when that time of the month comes. No one understands me. My nails break so easily. I hate having to clean my makeup off at night. Mondays. Love. Eating a bucket of ice cream and then having to workout. And etc. You get the point.
It might sound like that while a girl has many problems, you not having a problem isn’t one of them. However, now notice how the same problems that I mentioned change when women are in a relationship. There is no good man out there. My boyfriend never has time for me anymore. My guy sits on his ass while I have to do all the housework. I come from work and cook while he just sits on the sofa and watches Phir Subah Hogi. I hate when that time of the month comes. He doesn’t understand my pain and that when I get cranky at him it’s only because I’m on my period. No one understands me. He didn’t get me jewelry for my birthday. My nails break so easily. It was his fault. I hate having to clean my makeup off at night. I only wear makeup to look good for him. Mondays. Why doesn’t he send flowers to work? Love. I thought love meant him doing everything for me 24/7. Eating a bucket of ice cream and then having to workout. He can eat anything and still be in shape. Bastard.
Do you see how easily every problem a girl has becomes your problem. Or more clearly, no matter what the problem is or was, you are now the square root of her every problem. So while she has a problem you can never have “no problem.”
VERDICT: Yes
2. Is a happy woman a myth?
A woman wants her boyfriend to love her. She wants to be his top priority. She will say you should value family and work and what not. But all that must come after her. However, if you love her too much and agree with everything she says then you have no backbone and are labeled “boring.” If you give work priority and don’t give her all the time of the day, then you don’t love or care about her anymore.
What about the Batman example he gave in the video though? That was on point. First he was a loser because he didn’t do anything. Then he started saving the world and didn’t have time for her. So now all of a sudden she couldn’t handle him. Women say they want a balanced man, but the human race isn’t perfect. And men are human.
VERDICT: Yes
3. Does shopping affect your relationship?
Does this really need a discussion? I praise any guy who can go shopping with his wife. Is this shirt cute? Is this hat cute? Is this watch cute? Are these socks cute? Will these shoes look cute with that suit my chachi’s sister’s friend’s daughter got for me from Patiala? Or hey since we have nothing better to do lets just go look around Tiffany & Co. Hint! Hint! Hint!
VERDICT: Yes
4. Are mobile phones the devil in a relationship?
Imagine the following scenario. You are with your friends watching a football match. You get a text. “Hey, how’s the game?” You reply, “It’s good…tie game…middle of 4th quarter.” You get a text back. “That’s nice…do you miss me?” You reply, “yeah.” You get a text back. “That’s it? Only a yeah? Is the game more important than me?” You don’t reply for two minutes. You get another text. “I guess it is. You really don’t care about me anymore.” You reply back, “Sorry just watching the game, of course I care about you.” You get a text back. “Yeah whatever…enjoy your game…I don’t want to talk to you right now.” You don’t reply for 25 minutes. You get another text. “So now you aren’t going to talk to me anymore?” What theee gandi khachi? When did you go from enjoying a Seahawks game tied in the 4th to becoming the Grinch who stole Christmas? When did a moment of happiness and bliss become a nightmare?
Scenario 2. Your girlfriend sends you an image of her wearing a new dress. She texts, “What do you think?” You reply, “It’s pretty.” She texts you back, “That’s it? Why don’t you ever show emotion?” Emotion? Really? Women want our replies to be like, “OMG that dress is so hot, you look so beautiful babe I don’t believe any jalebi could ever be sweeter than you.” Exclamation point! Exclamation point! And exclamation point! Don’t forget to add those exclamation points otherwise you don’t sound excited. Men aren’t colorful, but very simple creatures. Texts are only letters. Without sight, smell, and feel. Therefore ladies, it will never be the same as face-to-face communication. Period.
VERDICT: Yes
5. Did Christopher Columbus really want to get away from his wife?
I googled this question and found a whole lot of nothing. However, his wife’s name was Dona Filipa Perestello e Moniz. If her name can be that long then her list of problems might even be longer. She also died after six years of marriage. Hmmm. There might be something there but I don’t feel like rewriting history. Well at least not today.
VERDICT: No
6. Are gay guys happier than a straight guy in a relationship?
Not necessarily. However, gay men don’t have periods. That might be the key. Or not. Who knows? I don’t. In the video, the protagonist points out the saying that “behind every successful man there is a woman.” But behind every unsuccessful man there is also a woman. We can all agree that there are more unsuccessful men in the world than successful ones. So you do the math. What would be a more correct saying? I’ll leave it at that.
I did find a reasonable answer however. “Gay men don’t usually have children, so they have more time to devote to their careers, which may help them work their way up the corporate ladder.” Nevertheless, it was a woman who wrote that answer. She might just be replacing the blame.
VERDICT: Not enough information
7. Will you always lose an argument with a woman?
You probably already know my answer. But lets work this one out. Let me hit you with another scenario.
You are sitting at your house with your girlfriend and sister. You are casually discussing that the living room needs to be repainted. Your girlfriend suggests yellow would be a nice and fun color. Your sister says that she would like an off-white color. Unfortunately, you decide to chime in and say, “Yeah I agree. I think white will look better here.” BOOM. The sunny day changes automatically to a forecast of dark clouds with a very likely chance of thunderstorms and lightening. All of sudden the discussion becomes an argument. Your girlfriend, in an annoyed voice, says, “Why don’t you ever agree with what I like?” You reply, “it’s not like that, I just think white will go well with the furniture here.” Oops. You made the mistake of using logic in an argument. If women are desi parents then logic is the kid who isn’t doing chores on a Sunday. Desi parents don’t like their kids relaxing. Women don’t like logic. Your girlfriend replies, “I don’t care what looks better here, you just don’t care about me.” When did picking a paint color become an argument about how much you care about your girlfriend?
While you are sitting there wondering how this became an argument, your girlfriend is bringing up how you didn’t compliment her when she wore a black dress at the SASA party in 2010. When you didn’t even know her yet. Somewhere in her brain she has stored all the moments you let her down and made her feel bad. You are now Keanu Reeves ducking lightening fast punches in the Matrix. You are an iPhone fruit ninja trying to slice away at apples, watermelons, and oranges being thrown your way. Why do women bring up things from the past? How do they remember them? Why don’t they bring them up when they happen? It is easier to deal with a roof leak when it happens. But allowing the leak to grow until the whole roof falls down is a problem. But again women do not believe in being rational like Jatts do not believe in being sober. How do you win an argument with logic when you are playing on a field of emotion? You cannot.
VERDICT: Yes
There it is. The final verdict is 5 out of 6 questions that can be answered with a yes and one question that does not having enough data to be answered ATM. What does this mean? Are women crazy? Maybe…maybe not. Issues always arise after the initial blissful period of ilu ilu…ilu ilu, but there isn’t anything you can’t get past. There is no relationship killer that cannot be dealt with whether it is your stupid boyfriend, your psycho girlfriend, or Amrish Puri. With enough love and devotion even the worst enemy of your love will say “Ja Simran…ja jeele apni zindagi…ja beta…ja.”
Why am I single? This is the first question I get asked by numerous aunties and relatives when I see them. Let us not forget that basically everyone is your aunty when you are Punjabi. So now imagine how much time I’ve actually had to think about my answer. I can’t say age because I’m ancient. I can’t say education because I’ve graduated. I can’t say it’s my choice, because the more I think about my answer it’s less of the truth. So what is it then? Is it because my true love Priyanka Chopra is busy making movies thousands of miles away? As much as I would love for that to be the correct answer, surprisingly it is not. I believe the correct answer lies somewhere in between YOLO and being raised by Bollywood.
YOLO. You only live once. It is a simple philosophy if you think about it. You-only-live-once. However, it is a shame that ever since Drake made it mainstream it has become a vehicle for every indecisive person to justify his or her decisions in life. For example: You are craving a cheeseburger while watching Pavitra Rishta but you are on a diet. YOLO. You get that cheeseburger. You have to wake up for work at 5 A.M., but that hilarious Fresh Prince of Bel-Air rerun you have only seen 13 times is on. YOLO. You watch that rerun. You get my point?
Actually I’m off topic. I’m still single. YOLO isn’t just about making life-changing decisions. It is a heavy idea. You are only alive in this world once. So how does that relate with being single you may be wondering. Let me tell you how. If I only have one life to live then I want it to be perfect. I want my career to be perfect, my car to be perfect, my house to be perfect, my health to be perfect, and I definitely want my partner in crime to be perfect (Yes I know perfect doesn’t exist, but perfection is in the eye of the beholder). Now finding the right person becomes hard, because you only have ONE life to live. You want to live that ONE life with someone worth it. I’m not wasting my ONE life by settling for someone. So that makes me picky.
You might be sitting there reading this thinking but don’t you believe in reincarnation. Well let me tell you, reincarnation is even worse than YOLO. Basically reincarnation, as I know it, works like this. In your next life you will be a human again if you do good deeds in this lifetime or you will be a cockroach in your next life if you are extremely cocky now. Or something along that line. Why is reincarnation worse? Well at first glance you might think that even if you don’t really love the person you marry, yet you do good deeds then you can find someone better in the next life. Wrong! You aren’t the Notorious BIG. But you are dead wrong. Don’t forget that you are desi and that “tera mera janam janam ka rishta hai.” Yes exactly, janams on janams on janams on janams. Doesn’t that sound like a lot longer time than YOLO? Not only do I not have to find someone right for this lifetime, but now they also have to be bearable for infinite janams. So now I’m extremely picky.
Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge. Shahrukh. Kajol. Thuje dekha to ye… I owe it all to Bollywood. It made me love this movie and this song as a little desi kid growing up with a mushroom haircut. But did it not think that its ludicrous ideals might somehow find a home somewhere in my brain. I was 8. I was vulnerable. I was Dan Cozad and Bollywood was a young Mike Tyson. Knockout.
Thuje dekha to yeh jaana sanam. So far so good. I saw someone and I learned something. I always see people and learn things. I see homeless people and learn that they are poor. I see tears in my mom’s eyes and learn that some poor soul in some desi drama is hurting. I see some pretty girl sipping a mango lassi who doesn’t offer to share and learn that she is a pretty girl sipping a mango lassi who doesn’t offer to share.
Thuje dekha to yeh jaana sanam, pyar hota hai dewanna sanam. Interesting. I saw you and now I know that love is a crazy lover. I swear when I saw that pretty girl sipping a mango lassi who didn’t offer to share that was the last thing I thought. But okay, if Bollywood says so, I’ll believe it.
Thuje dekha to yeh jaana sanam, pyar hota hai dewanna sanam, abh yahan se kahan jaye hum. I saw you and now I know that love is a crazy lover, so where do I go now. Hmm lets see maybe on a date like normal people. Nope. Wrong answer.
Thuje dekha to yeh jaana sanam, pyar hota hai dewanna sanam, abh yahan se kahan jaye hum, teri bhaahon mein mar jaye hum. I saw you and now I know that love is a crazy lover, so where do I go now, I can die in your arms. Bollywood strikes like Kobe in crunch time. Bollywood wants me to see the pretty girl sipping the mango lassi who didn’t offer to share and think wow forget dating, you are so precious that I can die in your arms. Bollywood neglects to consider that for her that mango lassi is almost certainly more precious than me in her hands, let alone my dead body. Plus I don’t want to die. Remember YOLO? What does this have to do with being single? Everything. I need to find someone who I can be with till I die. I need to feel that spark with someone. I need to see them and think wow where have you been all my li-ii-ii-ife. It’s not just this song that talks about endless love but basically every song besides Babbu Mann’s Can I Have a One Night Stand With Ju. So now I’m extremely picky and I’m looking for a spark to tell me that this is my endless love in whose arms I can happily die in…one day that isn’t today or tomorrow.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying Bollywood is a bad thing. I am who I am because of Bollywood. It is a part of me. I’m just saying that Bollywood makes you want a love that isn’t really out there. So when you have to compromise and settle you look at your what-would-SRK-do bracelet and remain single. Therefore, next time an aunty or you ask me why I am single. My response is I’m extremely picky and I’m looking for a spark, an endless love for a person in whose arms I can die in. Or I might just say YOLO.
SuperSonicRizzy 
